


Close Your Eyes and Play Pretend

by bresby



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, post 173
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24926950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bresby/pseuds/bresby
Summary: After the events of episode 173, Jon and Martin take a moment to imagine what their lives could have been like had things been different.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 16
Kudos: 62





	Close Your Eyes and Play Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> This is incredibly self indulgent, but by gods I wanted to make these two actually talk to each other.

Martin walked quickly, as though he was planning to storm the panopticon right then and there, and Jon, normally the faster walker, struggled to keep up. 

Jon could see how badly Martin was hurting, but he had no clue how to make it better. Martin seemed so sure that Jon could fix things, that between the two of them they could put the world back, but Jon knew, in his heart, that there was no other side of this. No light at the end of the tunnel. He just couldn’t bear to let Martin know that. 

Jon, who had seen and caused so much horror, who walked safely in this place due to his role as a monstrous avatar of fear, refused. He would not be the reason the last shadows of hope faded from Martin’s heart. 

“Jon, are you alright? Why are you stopping?” Martin asked. Jon hadn’t even noticed he had stopped.

“I’m sorry, I...I’ll keep up. It’s just getting to me,” Jon said. “Don’t mind me.”

“No, it’s fine. I just...I guess with the way this place is, we can’t really speed things up, can we? The journey will be the journey, and all that rubbish.” Jon hated how Martin’s voice sounded so biting and defeated. 

“Well, quite.” Jon kept his voice as soft as possible. “Martin, I know I can’t...is there anything I can do? I know there is no...better here, but…” Jon trailed off, uncertain of what he could even say.

“What we can do is keep going. What we can do is fix things. I can’t, I just, I can’t. I just have to keep walking.” Martin wasn’t making much sense, or at least his words weren’t, but Jon understood the feeling behind them loud and clear.

Martin paused, then said, “You know what? What I want is fifteen minutes where I can pretend that this isn’t happening. Fifteen minutes of pretending that I could have a normal, happy life in a normal, happy world. And maybe then I could go on, and face everything, figure something out. But I just need fifteen minutes where the world isn’t over.” 

After a brief pause, Martin continued, “ No, wait. That’s stupid. I’m being stupid, and we need to keep going, and we need to fix things. Forget I said anything.”

Jon shook his head. “No, it’s okay. Let’s take fifteen minutes. It isn’t as if the world is going to get any worse.” 

By this time, they had moved far enough away from the dark’s domain that it looked more like dusk than the dead of night. They sat on the grass with their legs crossed, facing each other, knees touching. Jon grabbed both of Martin’s hands with his own. Squeezing his hands, Martin closed his eyes for a second and breathed in deeply. 

Trying to think of a conversation starter, Jon asked the first thing that popped into his head. “Did you ever think you’d want kids? If this hadn’t happened, I mean.”

Martin exhaled in a way that vaguely resembled a laugh except for the bitterness. Then he said, “Really? After the last domain, that’s what you open with?” 

“It seemed topical.” 

“Yeah, well...maybe?” Martin considered him. “ I mean, I like kids, and when I was younger sometimes I used to wonder what it would be like to be a dad. But..I just wouldn’t want to screw a kid up. I didn’t have the greatest role models, and I’d be terrified I’d end up being like my dad. Or my mum. I just...I couldn’t do that to a kid. So I guess I would, but I probably wouldn’t. If that makes sense.”

Martin looked like he had a lot more to say on the subject, but Jon didn’t push. That wasn’t what this was about. Instead, against all his instincts, he forced himself to open up.

“I didn’t ever really see myself with children either. I know I can be stubborn and standoffish. Look at how I used to treat you whenever you made some minor error. And I don’t always  _ get  _ what other people are feeling. I don’t know how that would translate to caring for a child.”

Martin nudged Jon’s knee. “I dunno. You haven’t been that person for a very long time, Jon. And I saw you with Callum back there. If you can listen to a snot-nosed preteen avatar of fear, I think you can handle pretty much any kid. You were...good with him.” On that last bit, Martin’s voice sounded soft. 

Jon nodded. “The way you instantly cared, your drive to help...Martin, I don’t think you would be at all like you are thinking. If you didn’t want children, that would be one thing, but I think you would be a fantastic parent. I think I would have wanted kids, years down the line. Once we felt we were ready.” 

“You have a great voice for bedtime stories,” Martin said. “You’d need to find some less terrifying story material though.” Jon could almost picture it, the two of them trying to get a child to pajamas and then settled down for the night. It felt...God, that image felt right.

“We could always get a dog first,” Martin said. “See if we are even capable of caring for another living thing.”

“A dog?” Jon asked incredulously. “What on earth makes you think we’d be getting a dog?”

“Oh, I knew you were all Mr. Cat Person, but I didn’t think you were one of those cat people who was prejudiced against dogs,” Martin said with a grin. “Please tell me you aren’t one of those ‘Cat’s are the most genius species on the planet compared to the lowly canine, who deserves no consideration from the discerning pet owner’ types.” 

“My voice doesn’t sound like that,” Jon said. Even when he was putting on his poshest, lowest voice, he could not sound that ridiculous. Martin gave him a  _ yes, you definitely do sound like that  _ look. 

“I simply have no great desire to have a dog,” Jon said.

“You should know that now I’m rethinking our entire relationship. I always wanted a dog as a kid; therefore, if we are fantasising about our ideal life, I’m getting a dog. You can be there too if you so choose. Or not.” Jon felt fortunate that Martin always made it very obvious when he was joking. Otherwise, he might have felt a bit hurt.

Instead, he joked back, “Really? You’d choose some creature that needs to be let outside to do its business over me? I’m crushed.”

“You’ve really never met a dog you liked? Dogs are great.” Martin said.

“Well,” Jon started reluctantly, “there have been occasions, whereupon being forced into social events at one person’s house or another, I may have, in lieu of having to spend time with any of the  _ people _ present, spent the entire time in the kitchen with a dog. A few times. Or perhaps several. Or anytime there was a choice between a dog or social interaction. You know what, fine. We can get a dog. But only if we can get a cat too.”

“I’m good with that,” Martin said. “I don’t actually dislike cats. I’m actually pretty fond of anything small and furry.” 

“Good. We’re agreed then.” The knowledge that none of this would ever happen gnawed at Jon, but he pushed it away, telling himself not to break this moment. 

“Okay, so far we have a cat, a dog, and a kid in a few years?” Jon asked.

“Two kids. At least. I hated being an only child, not that I would have wanted to drag anyone else into how I grew up,” Martin said. 

“Agreed,” Jon said. Then he smirked slightly. “Of course, we should probably get married before we adopt any children”

Martin blushed. “Jonathan Sims, if this is a proposal…”

“Maybe?” Jon said. “I would certainly marry you if we ever got out of this. I’d marry you now if I thought I could find a registrar in this mess. I’d rather like to be Mr. Jonathan Blackwood” 

Martin smiled. “I like the sound of that.”

“Really? No debate on the name? I thought this was the point where we were obligated to do some cutesy back and forth about who would take the other’s name.” In truth, Jon didn’t mind. The thought of having a new name, a fresh start...well, in this moment of fantasy, he wanted nothing more.

Martin considered this for a second, then said. “Nope. You have it right. My last name just sounds objectively better.” Then he stuck his tongue out at Jon.

There was a pause before Martin continued.

“You know, we’ve done this all backwards. We’re planning our wedding now, and we haven’t even gone on a proper date. I mean, how long have we even been together? Three weeks before the end, and then however much time this has been.” Martin softly rubbed his thumbs in swirling patterns over Jon’s hands. 

“I rather don’t think that matters. I mean, I’m sure about you. You are the only thing I have left that I’m sure of,” Jon said.

Martin looked down a moment as though embarrassed. Then, he leaned in to gently kiss Jon on the lips and said, “Yeah. Um, me too. No doubts. I’d marry you in a heartbeat.”

“Besides,” Jon said, taking on a more teasing tone, “we’ve been on plenty of dates. I took you to a carousel, a garden, we went to see a show…”

Martin gave him a warning look. “Not funny, Jon.”

“Not even a little?”

“I…” Martin sighed with frustration. “I can’t admit that it’s funny. I know that’s how you cope, I mean, I get it, but for me it would be like...refusing to see it for what it is. So no. For me, I can’t let it be funny.”

“Sorry,” Jon said, then tried to recapture the moment. “In this fantasy world of ours, what do you think you’d like to do? In terms of a job that isn’t serving an eldritch fear demon, I mean.”

Martin paused for a second. “Well, I’d like to actually get a degree first. Then, maybe something with admin? As much as I hated working for Peter, I was actually pretty good at it, and I honestly found it kind of relaxing.”

Jon looked at him in surprise, then teased, “Really? No plans to become a professional poet? You want to spend your life looking at spreadsheets and budgets?”

Martin shook his head. “Even in my fantasy world, I can’t imagine poetry paying the bills. Perhaps it’s best left as a hobby. What about you?”

Jon considered this. He had accepted for so long that he would never be able to leave the institute, except for the brief moment where he had considered blinding himself, that he never really put much thought into other career opportunities. “Maybe...I don’t mind the thought of teaching, actually.” He had always struggled with people, but when he thought about it, he’d always been much better at understanding children than adults.

“Huh. I could actually see that,” Martin said. “You know, it’s funny. I think we have just created the most cliche, white picket fence fantasy I’ve ever heard. It’s positively saccharine. Are we just boring people or something?”

“No,” Jon said. “I know what you mean, but it sounds...nice. I would give anything for the chance to be boring and domestic with you.” 

Jon thought he saw a tear in Martin’s eye. Letting go of his hand for a second, he reached up to brush it away. After a moment, Martin replied, “Same. Being boring with you...sounds really, really cool.” Jon swallowed hard against a lump in his throat, struggling not to tear up himself.

Pushing away the desire to break down completely, Jon sighed, then said, “Well, I suppose we best be on our way.” He got to his feet, then helped Martin up. They embraced for a moment, then continued walking through the dark.

It was only later, when Martin, asked out of the blue, “So, what are your thoughts about names?” and Jon had replied, “For the pets or the children?” that Jon got the sense it had worked. At the very least, he felt a little bit lighter, and he thought Martin did too.

He still knew that such a world could never exist, not for them, and he still knew in his heart that returning to the archives was unlikely to lead to any positive developments, but…

Maybe, even if the world would never be okay again, and even if the two of them individually were heading towards some terrible fate, the two of them together...well, maybe as a couple they would be okay. There would be no ideal life with marriage and children and pets. No happy ending. Not for them. But maybe, just maybe, their love and dreams of a better world could be enough. It would have to be. 


End file.
